Yee-haw!! It's time for my weekly "Hollywood Corral" where I "giddy-up" all the best gossip for you. So let's get on to the hootenan---
"Dada-dada ring on it! Dada-dada ring on it!...That is a damn fine song, the Beyonce song ..."
I mean, he could still be there to pick up his Best Actor Oscar for this. *crosses fingers*
Madonna called her ex-husband "retarded"As a matter of fact, why don't I just shut the hell up and let some other people explain this:
So join me in this funeral for the word “retarded”. It’s been fun. But it's time to let it go. I mean, do you really want to be this guy? (Oh hey...and if you think the use of the word "retard" or "retarded" is just limited to a few funny lines in "Tropic Thunder"...do a search for it on YouTube like I just spent the past hour doing. Yeah.)
But I'm not going to leave you all high and dry....
See, I have this theory about why we all like the word “retarded” so much. It's not so much because of what it specifically means. Like I said, we're not deliberately trying to insult mentally challenged peple. I think it's just the way the word rolls off the tongue....the "tard" or "tarded" part is pretty cool, actually.
So, in it's place, I would like to offer this new, highly awesome, even better word:
"Asstard". Or "asstarded".
You get the same enjoyment from the sound of the "tarded" part, but this way it doesn't offend anyone unless they are, you know, asstarded. Also it is WAY more insulting. AND it’s a curse word, to boot! Win win WIN WIN! So, if from now ever you should be forced to sit through an episode of “VH1’s Chance At Love” or you have to stand in another 25 minute line because the guy in front of you wants to write a check, and you feel compelled to define the moment with your favorite semi-dirty word…just say "asstard" or "asstarded"! (Plus, for heightened affect, you can say "fucktard".)
I predict this word will not only be easy for all of us to immediately slip into our everyday conversations (“Did you see that email from the boss? What an asstard.”) but will become a huge meme/hit throughout the Internets.
You're welcome, world.
Peace & Love,
Rebecca Rose
So like double the awesomeness of this.The woman was quoted as saying: "It was ridiculous."
Ummm. Excuse me...ridiculous? Why? Please. This dude has $300 million dollars. OF COURSE he sees himself as a centaur. Of course he does. This is nothing. If I could muster up a lousy $3oo in the bank I would commission a portrait of myself as a unicorn having sex with the Ghost of Christmas Past. Probably twice, too.
Peace & Love,
RR
Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy
That is Taylor Swift. And Daniel Craig in the background. 
So this is Germany's arm wrestling champion. As you can see....he's got a pretty developed....muscle....there....in his forearm. So. You know.
I don't know if they meant "scenic" so much as "creepy" or "scary as a mother fucker" or "Seriously, this place looks like where serial killers come to dump bodies. Why in the hell would you be encouraging people to stop here?"
La Grange, Texas is the home of the Chicken Ranch. It was a famous brothel owned by Jessie "Miss Jessie" Williams, portrayed by Dolly Parton in the inexplicably not-Academy Award nominated film "Best Little Whorehouse in Texas". Pressed with falling profits during the Depression, she implemented the "poultry standard", aka the "Chicken Rule". She charged one chicken for each sexual act. And you think you're having to make sacrifices in today's economy.
(Wait..."Chicken Ranch"....hmmm. Oh, now I think I know what this guy was doing.)
Sadly, the Chicken Ranch is no more. It was torn down many years ago, leaving a gaping hole in the lucrative chickens-for-sex market. RadTiger was really looking forward to seeing this. Realizing how crushed he was, I assured him that there were "probably lots of other whorehouses" around. Never, ever, ever make this mistake with a man. He spent 45 minutes asking me if every single building we passed was a brothel, from a Jiffy Lube to a Starbucks. He saw a female mail carrier and screamed "Is that one of the hookers??!!" and then spent the next 20 miles begging me to turn around. He only quieted down when I threatened to leave him at the local sheriff's station and report him as a Communist sympathizer spreading lies about "the Obamacare". He didn't speak much after that.
We managed to see a lot of amazing sites while traveling through the back roads of Texas. Like this car. Apparently, this car is "awesome":
I know this, because I almost crashed across 4 lanes of traffic when RadTiger screamed "WHOA DUDE LOOK AT THAT AWESOME CAR!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. Two inches from my face. And when I told him about this post he said, "Make sure you put that car picture up there, because that was awesome".
Then we stopped in Smallville and enjoyed a walk through the small quiet town where Clark Kent honed his powers as Superman Smithville, which is the home of the World's Largest Gingerbread Man Cookie. Or was the home. Now they just have the World's Largest Cookie Sheet Shaped Like a Gingerbread Man.
We asked a man for directions and he said he didn't know the area too well because he lived "out in the country". We were under the foolish assumption that we were out in the country. Stupid city folk. Apparently small towns like Smithville are sort of like a "pre-country"....designed to get city folk like us acclamated to the "real country". Like sitting in a decompression chamber in a submarine before you surface.
So this is Smitty's Market, in Lockhart, TX. It's like what Shangri La would be like if it were made out of beef. Smitty's Market is, to put it bluntly, a legend:
If it's true, flawless, perfect BBQ you want, don't miss out on Smitty's Market. It is totally authentic pit bbq, cooked over oak firewood in the same fire pits they have been using since before Eisenhower was in office. The meat melts in your mouth. And they don't use "sauce". And you don't dare ask for sauce (this is on par with blaspheming Jesus in some parts of Texas). They don't have untensils or plates either...you eat on butcher block paper. And God help you if try and ask for a fork, because they don't even allow them in the building. (I say this because we were dumb enough to ask for forks. Twice. They. Don't. Have. Forks. ANYWHERE.)
We stayed a Motel 6. You remember when Motel 6 was a meeting place for heroin smugglers and drug addicts homesick for the feel of their crackhouse? Yeah, that part hasn't changed. But they did go and give themselves a fancy make over:
So at least when the serial killer hiding out next door decides you fit his "profile", you'll be murdered in a room that looks like it was designed by the members of Kraftwerk. These rooms are like the end of those rides at Epcot center where they show you the "Homes of the Future" and some announcer booms about "Dreaming for the promise of tomorrow" before he reminds you to gather your belongings and watch your step as you exit. Or pretty much exactly like the rooms people lived in in Logan's Run.
They make you walk up freaking stairs to get there. Based on my rough estimates, I would say I climbed a good 2,674 steps, give or take. The view is simply breathtaking. I am so glad I overcame this challenge so I could behold more of nature's glory. (RadTiger's note: It's 100 steps...very, very short steps. I got to the top and thought I had lost her. She was sitting on the first step, offering people money to carry her up. Money she had stolen from my wallet. We would have done more in Austin, but it took her the entire morning to get to the top. Old people with walkers overtook her. A pregnant lady beat her up the steps. She stopped halfway to cry, and compared herself to soldiers on the Bataan march. Then, when she had finally made it up, she tried to push me off the ledge when I asked her if she was having a nice time. I seriously do not know what I thought was so bad about being single.)
This is the only picture RadTiger took of me:
He took 800 pictures of my dog, some beef jerky, pickled yams, trashy bushes, random cars and a rock. But this is the only picture of me he managed to get. And I am pretty sure he only took this because he was trying to get a picture of the dog.
RadTiger: Ohhhhhh, look! A butterfly!! I want to get a picture!!! Me: Why, because you have a vagina now? RadTiger: I hate you. I mean it. I really, really hate you.
All in all, we had an awesome time. We enjoyed the best barbecue I have ever had, stayed in Buck Roger's love shack, I climbed Mount Everest and learned what "out in the country" really means. And RadTiger managed to not push me in front of any moving cars or run off to the Bunny Ranch in Vegas. (Since I posted this, I have recieved no fewer than six emails from him. "Where is the Bunny Ranch?"...."Do they still take bunnies in trade?"..."Where can I get some bunnies for cheap and FAST?"...."Will you drive me to Vegas?".....and so on.)
But we're back and the damn McRib is still not on the menu at McDonald's. You know, they push that shitty Angus burger crap like it's the Second Coming, but the only time we get our hands on a McRib is when Venus aligns with Mars in the second moon of Jupiter??? Jeez, man.
Peace & Love,
Rebecca Rose
Fax Machine
"I'm all for gay marriage; why shouldn't they be able to be as miserable as the rest of us?"
Because seriously, every time you hear this, isn't it always out of the mouth of the biggest, dumbest douchebag in the room, who thinks he is the second coming of Jerry Seinfeld? I hate people who say things that we've all heard a billion times and act like they're the brilliant ones who thought it up. Spare us from your stupid attempts to try and be witty. Here's a clue: If you heard this joke on TV, saw it on a blog comment board, bumper sticker, or got it sent to you in an email...chances are good (real, real good) that basially every single person in the free world probably saw it, too. And there's probably a thousand other douchebags trying to pass this off as off as something funny they just came up with....so stop adding to the problem. Trust me, you don't want to be that guy.
Peace & Love,
I'm pissed about all this back and forth on the Internet today about some dude in Washington winning the Nobel Peace Prize...the Internet is going apeshit. But no one is talking about the real outrage!
Rebecca Rose
Again, I know. This really has nothing to do with the post. I mean...there is some Chinese writing on the side. I have no idea what it says, but it could say something relating to this post. You never know.MrChineseSmartyPants expressed some concern when I shared this plan with him, and seemed to strongly suggest that I learn something more "helpful", like "Please" or "Thank you". First of all WHAT? When the hell am I EVER going to say "Thank You" to another human being? Especially in some foreign country. I mean, shouldn't everyone just be thanking me? Duh. Then he tried to teach me begged me to learn "I'm sorry".
I just pretended I didn't even hear that.
I think he also suggested "Please don't shoot me, I'm an imbecile and not worth the bullet" but he was clenching his teeth and grumbling a lot, so who knows. I was pushing for "If you touch my Jack Daniels, I will knife you" and "Are you sure you're 18?" but by this point, MrChineseSmartyPants was just giving me dirty looks whenever I opened my mouth. I'm beginning to think my sense of humor doesn't translate well into Mandarin.
Hépíng and ài,
Rebecca Rose
I have pointlessly tried for YEARS to explain this simple fact to my uptight lefty girlfriends who complain non stop about their unfulfilling sex lives with their idealist boyfriends. My girlfriends seem to date the same type of men....scraggly neurotic granola crunching dweebs, who all look like skinny hipster-Woody Allen wannabes. They contribute little more to the world than their whining about how no one gets all the references in "Mad Men" or complaining that the ceviche from last night was under seasoned. My friends reasons for dating these guys always seem to start with "We're passionate about the same causes!". and they'll willingly admit "He's not the best looking guy". Wow, what a surprise, your sex life with someone you're not attracted to is dull.
Look, the best part of sex is the tension....whether it's the anticipation or the not knowing or just the plain old despising of the person you are sexually attracted to. The feeling of being with someone who drives you so freaking crazy that you don't know if you want to throw them out of a window or rip their clothes off makes for the best sex in the world. Sex is inherently competitive; it's a constant back and forth of teasing and giving in. Being with someone who incessantly challenges you and won't back down or roll over like a puppy compels you to stay on your toes, if you catch my meaning. Having someone smile and nod at everything you say is just boring. 
Yeah. I know. This picture doesn't have anything to do with the post. But look at that dude. He is so freaking hot. Seriously. I mean I can't even find words to describe it. His body is SICK. I would do nasty, freaky things to him. Things that would make a pimp blush. Anyway....
Here, let me give you an example. Election Night, 2008....I watched all night with my then-boyfriend, an ultra right wing Reaganite. This was a guy who once complained that Joseph McCarthy got a "bum rap" and used to call me his Crazy Commie Hippie Chick. Anyway, that night, when the final election results came in, he shrugged his shoulders, tore off my clothes and pulled me on top of him....because he said he "Might as well start getting fucked by the Left now." In lieu of dirty talk, he just screamed "Yes we can! YES WE CAN!!" over and over again.
God, I loved that man.
Rebecca Rose
Some of you may have heard the news that my father passed away. I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who reached out to me with your kind words of support and encouragement. Whether it's from my new fans on the blog or people I've known my whole life; it's been great to hear from all of you.
Rebecca Rose
*These do not exist. I lied. I'm sorry. Hey, I'm mourning. Cut me some damn slack.
This picture really doesn't have anything to do with the story. I guess in fairness to Mr. Stewart I could have picked a better one. I could have chosen something more appropriate. I could have.
So, to recap. Rod Stewart thinks I'm cool. And John Mayer thinks I'm funny. If you want my autograph (or perhaps a lock of hair), please email me: rebeccarose2004@yahoo.com
Rebecca: I am just describing the details of the harrowing, challenging, soul-wrenching hiking trip you took me on last weekend.
RT: I remember that we planned a hiking trip. I also remember that when we got to the park, you locked yourself in the car and refused to come out.
Rebecca: It was so wonderful to have an opportunity to commune with nature, to experience oneness with the natural world.
RT: You told me that if you "so much as saw the shadow of a bug" you would have my testicles sent to Iran. I'm not sure what that even means.
Rebecca: How many of us really take the time to stop and smell the roses? I'm sure many of these readers would benefit from a similar sojourn into the wilderness, to venture far from the beaten path, off into the great wild wilderness.
RT: I only got you out of the car because I lied and told you the Visitor's Center at the park had a bar. Then when you found out you had to walk up a flight of steps to get to it, you called me a Nazi.
Rebecca: I was undaunted by the grueling pace, the treacherous terrain that stretched on into the endless horizon. Even when it looked the bleakest, I searched deep into my soul and persevered.
RT: It was a paved, covered walkway. And you stopped on a bench and tried to take a nap.
Rebecca: I like to think of nature as life's beautiful little gift. It revives my soul, and lifts my spirits, and brings me joy, and a great, great sense of peace.
RT: You cried for 10 minutes when I told you I wouldn't carry you back to the car. And then you threw a rock at me.
Rebecca: Nature to me is the most freeing thing. We are so blessed to have beauty all around us. No matter the physical price we have to pay to be able to experience its wonder.
RT: When you found out they didn't have a bar, you threatened to sue the state of Texas for subjecting you to such "inhumane" conditions. You made a Park Ranger cry.
Rebecca: Yes, I'm sure lots of people were moved to tears by the story of my remarkable journey.
RT: I have a scar on my forehead from the rock.
Rebecca: Yes. Yes, you do. But in many ways, aren't we all marked by the journey?
RT: Nope. Pretty sure it's just me with the scar.
Rebecca: I still have that rock, you know.
RT: *silence*
Peace & Love,
Peace & Love,
Rebecca Rose
Apparently, this is funny, because it has a laugh track. Good enough for me. I am not playing this for laughs, though. I am showing this because I want you all to know that I am truly in love with the hot Asian dude in the orange towel. I haven't felt this head over heels in love since I saw James Franco bend over for the first time. I love you, Hot Asian Dude in the Orange Towel. I. Love. You.
Also, if you speak this language, I would really love to know what show this is from and what exaclty was so funny, so please email me, rebeccarose2004@yahoo.com.
Peace and Love,
RR
Enjoy, world.
RR
He decided to his own version for Purple Magazine. It is probably one of the stupidest, most forgettable pictures of all time: 
And of course, The Internets ripped him a new one for this, calling him everything from tasteless, to useless, to a no-talent hack, to a copycat of his father. Because we have ended all the other controversial and shocking issues in the world like starvation, poverty, disease and war, and we can no move on to arguing about mindless petty inconsequential crap like this. Obviously.We've had Pamela Anderson recreating Farrah Fawcet's iconic swimsuit poster, Usher recreating Fred Astaire, and there seems to be no end to what Vanity Fair will recreate, from classic Hitchcock films to West Side Story.
We've had Eminem doing his best Clockwork Orange,
Kate Winlset channelling Catherine Deneuve ,
and Lindsay Lohan recreating everyone else,
I don't think she has anything to do with the song. But I'm pretty sure she thinks Kim is a bitch, too, because she tried to pull her wig off. You know, Kim may want to re-think this whole wig thing, especially if she is going to around pissing off a lot of other women.
"Gorgeous days like these remind me of the life I had three years ago, before full-time jobs, car payments and DVR as my main source of entertainment. I remember spending lazy June days outside at my apartment soaking in the rays on the rooftop deck, only getting up for a popsicle or a refill of pink lemonade."
that got stabbed is alright...
Back by popular demand, it's my attempt at blogging an awards show. Now, we all remember how badly this went last time, so let's keep our fingers crossed and keep me away from ill-fated attempts at emailing jerks who used to date me. OK....so, it's OFF TO THE VMAs!7:30 Preshow; Buzz Aldrin trying to read off the names of Breakthrough Artist. This is worse than when my mom took me to that Cure concert and kept asking "Why do all these pretty girls have to wear so much black?"
They had it coming. Because we all know what's really going on there, don't we?
You know I thought this was a huge joke, but I guess NASA really is bombing the moon, as I learned during my weekly perusing of the latest issue of Scientific American. Apparently they are searching for signs of water or ice in the ensuing debris cloud. I would explain more to you about why is behaving like a villain in an Ed Wood movie, but my brain hurts just reading that thing.
The best part of the article is this:
"The attack on the Moon is not a declaration of war or act of wanton vandalism"
It is amazing that Scientific American felt the need to clarify this to their readers.
On a related note, I didn't know blowing up things is how you find water in them. Me no smart like NASA I guess. Oh well.
Peace & Love,
RR
(I was going to ignore this, but I am getting a lot of angry emails from my male fans who are tired of all the celebrity penis. This is for you, boys) 
I saw this piece of shit movie. Despite every possible warning in the Universe. I actually went into a movie theater and sat through this. The whole thing. Didn't even get up for candy. Or to use the bathroom. Or to set myself on fire, as a means of alleviating the pain caused by this beastly shit. Yes, I know this is a lot of writing for a picture caption. I don't care. This movie sucked. I mean, did you see this thing? They have their headquarters in Egypt under a freaking pyramid and where Dennis Quaid has an eye patch and he talks to holograms. And also everyone can fly, I guess. And there's some submarines shooting at sharks or something. Then Marlon Wayans got in some plane and shot down a nuclear bomb. And Jonathan Pryce was in this, somehow. Jonathan Fucking Pryce. This is a highly respected actor. I mean, he was in a movie with Al Pacino. He has worked with Martin Scorsesee. He won a Tony award, for Pete's sake. How do you go from all that to being in this dog vomit of a movie? I do not understand what is going on in Hollywood. I mean, does everyone just smoke crack and then decide what movies they're going to make? Is that it? That must be it. Because only crack could make someone go "Gee, this script seems like a good one. This plot doesn't make me want to stick needles in my eye so I never have to see a movie made by these people ever again." What? No, I don't care that now it just seems like I'm "rambling". It's my damn blog, I'll ramble if I want!!! I deserve to rant a little. Look what I've had to endure! So what if I want to go off on a tangent. What are you going to about it? Punish me? I've already been punished...I saw this fucking movie, remember? And besides, who the hell reads all this anyway? Please, this is the Internet. No one reads this much writing. I could talk about anything. I mean, I could sit here and talk about my dog's crap if I wanted to...oh wait. I just did. IT WAS THIS MOVIE. See, I can get away with saying whatever the hell I want. No one makes it this far in the fine print. I could tell people that I masterminded the JFK assassination. Yeah, I could! Hey, every one!! I killed JFK. You know how I did it? Tigers. Yup. That grassy knoll? Pure smokescreen. I used live tigers to do my dirty work. Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy. He was a big cat trainer I had working for me in the travelling circus I ran down in Havana in the late 50s. I had some pretty radical tigers in that circus. Now, on the surface, these tigers were Communist, through and through, pure Castro supporters. But in reality, the cats were part of an anti-Castro para military group. They were into some heavy shit, dude. These tigers were big time. They got their money from the Mob. The JAPANESE Mob. The Yakuza funded the planning for JFK's assassination. But they weren't the only ones in on it. The tigers were too smart for that. They were also secretly working as DOUBLE AGENTS. That's right . They were counter agents. And who was providing them with the means for this elaborate cover? Alien space invaders. From Mars. The same ones that crash landed in Roswell. The same ones that faked the Moon landing. That's what this was all about. See, Martians did not want people discovering that the moon was where they secretly mined for cheese. Yeah, we were right. IT WAS MADE OF CHEESE, only the Martians didn't want to give up their precious dairy mine. Kennedy got too close, when he promised he would put a man on the moon. Martians couldn't have that. Their entire economy is all moon cheese based. So they used some of that money to get rid of their problem, they framed some poor ex-animal trainer and installed a puppet government, friendly to their pro-Martian moon cheese ideals. That puppet government has lasted to this very day. Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton, W, even Obama. All protecting the great Martian cheese mine in the sky. Follow the money, you'll find the truth.
Peace & Love,
Rebecca Rose
While I was gone, these people went off their meds and decided that Jay-Z's music is Satanic. That's right. Apparently this:
"Only good gon' come is as good when I'm cumm-ing. She got a ass that'll swallow up a g-string And up top, unh... Two bee stings"
Means you should go kill people for Satan. Obviously.
Yeah, but I bet the Devil doesn't even know what the fuck "Hova" means either.
Look, I don't even know why this is news. I mean, HELLO, We settled this back in 1987. Yes, all of rock and roll is the Devil's music, of course. Jimmy Swaggart figured it out and told us. Satan spreads his message through the music of evil people like Judas Priest and Lionel Richie so they can command the forces of Darkness to do His bidding. Duh.
But there is something else troubling me about this.
How do the kids today actually hear Satan's message anyhow?? I mean, because he puts instructions for his evil plans in the lyrics, but you can only hear them when you play them backwards, like on a record player.
I am gravely concerned...with all this digital technology, how is the Lord of Darkness getting his message through to today's youth? Can Lucifer still command people to murder farm animals and buy their clothes at Hot Topic if people are dowloading the music it's hidden in??
I certainly hope that we are not running the risk of ruining the Devil's plans to enslave humanity, just for the sake of convenience.
Peace & Love,
Rebecca Rose
I don't want you freak out about this, but sometimes....I just want to read a newspaper. It's not because there's anything wrong with you! You're amazing. You're are the fastest, the best I've ever had, without a doubt. But, I guess...I just miss the way a newspaper feels in my hand. How the ink sticks to my fingers. It's so slow and laid back, you know? I need that sometimes.
Attention Everyone!!! This is an announcement from the Emergency Penis Alert System!!!UPDATE: PENIS FOUND!! PENIS FOUND!! Click here to see. (Thanks to ANONYMOUS....jeez, why wouldn't you want to take credit for this I mean really.) In other news, Jamie Foxx seriously needs to work on cleaning up his bathroom.
It's true. He was. And he wasn't alone. Dozens of evil, missionary volunteers gathered in Butte Park, and planned to serve things like potatoes, chicken, bread and *shudder* macaroni salad to the poor, unsuspecting hungry people. Poor, innocent people, who had no idea their day spent innocently scrounging for food in the trash would be so heartlessly ended when this group of "volunteers" descended on them.
Luckily, in the midst of this, a brave, brave officer happened to spot this devious crime. He approached, fearing not of their hoards of potato and other tossed salads. He bravely put his body in between the hungry people and piles of sandwiches and condiments and other dangerous implements of destruction.
The officer spoke up bravely, telling these church goers that they weren't allowed to feed homeless people in the park. They tried to confuse the officer by stupidly asking him why that would be illegal, but he wasn't tripped up! He responded that they couldn't feed the homeless because the homeless could get poisoned and get sick and then have to go to the hospital. Of. Course.
Here is Tom, apparently trying to dispose of the evidence. Note the beady, shifty eyes...
He even went so far as to hide one of the homeless, by throwing him in the back of his patrol car, carefully searching through all of his belongings (making sure the "volunteers" hadn't slipped any poison or possibly booby traps in his things, obviously). Thankfully, the officer's valiant efforts prevailed, and the man wasn't forced to eat any food. He we probably spared some sort of vile food poisoning attack. I mean, you never know what these people are capable of:
The work of missionaries, obviously.
Of course, when Evil Criminal Mastermind Tom began to take pictures of the man who got away, presumably so they could track him down again and poison him some more, (or for his Evil Things I Like To Do On The Weekend scrapbook), the officer had had enough. He went on the attack.
I guess he went batshitfuckingcrazy, also:
* Officer: Do you have an ID on you?
Tom: Yes, of course.
Officer: Are you going to show it to me?
Tom: Do I have to? (Umm. No. Not at all. Not unless you are a suspect or a witness There is no law. Because that law would violate the Constitution. And common sense. I'm sure the officer has a basic grasp of both.)
Officer: That's not what i asked. I asked if you are going to show it to me. Are you going to show it to me? (Wait. Huh?)
Tom: Do i have to? If it's a law, i'll do it, but i just want to know. (Again, there is no law. Why isn't the "LAW MAN" with the GUN telling you this???)
Officer: So, i'm assuming you're not going to do it. Are you going to show me your ID? (How about I show you the 12,000 different legal rulings that prohibit you from asking this?)
Tom: Still, do i have to? If so, i'll do it, let me know. (There. Is. No. Law. There is also no Santa Claus, if you want to discuss other shit that doesn't exist.)
Officer: That's it, i asked three times and you didn't show it, so i'm going to have to detain you and take it by force. (Wait, what?? WHAT WHAT WHAT????)
So the officer put Tom in the back of his car, too. Because he is not going to let silly civil rights laws get in the way of his quest to defeat the Food Poisoners. Not even the very law he is sworn to uphold could stand in his way of that.
BUT, this evil plan goes deeper. When contacted for a response, what was the Food Poisoners ridiculous excuse? That they've been feeding homeless in that park for years. They blattantly advertise it. So this has been happening for years, unchecked, right under our noses.
We should all be thankful that the Harris County Sherrif's Department allows retarded people to become cops, or else there never would have been someone there who had the neccessary mental capacity to thwart this evil plan.
Peace and Love,
Rebecca Rose
(*This is allegedly the conversation that occured between Tom and the officer.)
P.S. I know I have lots of awesome cop bloggers and buddies who follow this. I hope they have their sense of humor in full force right now.)
This Hot Asian Dude (OK, he's half Korean, but whatev) is named "Steve Byrne". Now, normally I don't care what their names are, but this dude is special. Not only is hot. And Asian. He is a stand-up comedian.
*brief pause while my head explodes"
That means he has to "get me". You know? Not like every other loser I date who's constantly whining and all "Please, please stop making all those jokes about me. You are destroying my self esteem." and "I can't take this anymore" and all that blah blah blah. Stupid, unfunny, easily offended men.
I think he just beat out the hot dude from Rush Hour as the Man I Am Destined to Marry (or Be Sued By). He is my new DorkyChineseBikeCop. Let's run down the top reasons why:
1. He is hot. 
2. He is also half-Irish. Just like me. (INSERT REQUISITE IRISH DRINKING JOKE HERE)
3. He is fucking hilarious.
4. Our babies would be funny and hot. They would totally kick those dumb Jolie/Pitt kids' asses.
There you go.
Dear Steve: Please direct all restraining orders love letters to rebeccarose2004@yahoo.com
Thank you,
Rebecca Rose
(Seriously, this guy is so funny. Check out his act, you won't be disappointed: http://www.stevebyrnelive.com/2009/)
Best of all, he made it OK for one hopelessly dorky, deviantly satirical young girl to just be her lovely, nerdy, goofy, ridiculously insane self. So thank you, John.
As I sit here on my birthday, mourning the loss of a man who's art so profoundly affected me, and helped me love the person I have become, I can only think of one thing.
I love this damn show. I think other than weird foreign videos with hot Asian dudes, this is basically the only thing I ever watch. I mean, it provides and fulfills every basic entertainment need you could possibly ever have: Car chases, moments of delightful hilarity, profound glimpses into this tragic little dance we call life, and lots of drunk people in trailer parks fighting the police in their underwear. What more could we ever want?
Also, much like the classic ABC After School Special or re-runs of The All New Ewoks, it is a show that imparts some serious life lessons, wisdom that helps us grow as individuals and (dare I say?) as a civilization. Here are some of the amazing true facts I learned from this show:
3. If you drive around with your windows open, strangers will just throw drugs, stolen property, or sometimes, massive quantities of money in your car just coincidentally seconds before you are stopped by police. This could be amazing for all of us who like getting free things! But sadly, this only ever seems to happen to lucky violent ex cons with long extensive histories of possessing or selling drugs perfectly innocent victims of circumstance.
4. The vagina is a perfectly logical place to store things. Yes. It is.
5. No one ever drinks more than 2 beers. Ever. Because all it takes to get so blindly, insanely drunk that you do things like drive your car backwards down the interstate in the median for hours straight or attempt to rob a Burger King wearing nothing more than your underwear and Spongebob mask is 2 beers.
6. It is very, very, very hard to remember your own name, date of birth, where you live, your Social Security number, what you were doing or where you were five minutes before the police stopped you, and basically all other personal information about yourself. Very hard. So, so hard. I surprised that any of us know who or where we are right now, and I am outraged that the medical community has not done more to look into what is clearly a very serious cerebral affliction.
Did you see how this just snuck up on us? No, of course you didn't.
And last, but not least, let us not forget the best lesson of this show. "COPS" reminds me that no matter how shitty my life is, no matter how low I’ve sunk, or how bad I think I’ve fucked things up for myself…at least I haven’t had to have my ass crack blurred out on national TV.
Well, I hope this has helped you grow in your life-wisdom just a teeny little bit. Or at the very least, stopped you from ever wearing pants that aren't yours.
Peace & Love,
"I' m 99 percent sure those were taken before the Internet existed...so someone out there took the time to put them online...and why did they have them in the first place?"--Dave
These beautiful, breathtaking images were shot earlier this week, and clearly show God, in his flawless mortal form, effortlessly blending in on the streets of New York. During his brief time in the City, he blessed humanity with many wonderous, hot acts.
"Wait. Did I set my Tivo to record NYC Prep?"
Pax and Love,
RR
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